god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
