omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
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