I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
