fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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