Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
