our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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