i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize