watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
