I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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