so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
