make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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