She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
