Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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