every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
