I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
