barbara walters just said penis...
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
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