just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
My feet surprised me
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize