Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
