How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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