stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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