I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
as a side note pls kill me
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
