Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Randomize
