we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
