So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
