So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
