i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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