We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize