my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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