Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
4 words: hood of his car
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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