why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
