he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
