Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
