I could make wine with my vomit
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
