u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
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