I CAN MOONWALK!
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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