I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
