his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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