those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize