You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
