Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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