i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
