haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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