what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
