you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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