During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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