I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
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