I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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