My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
