For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
