I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
