my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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