I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
