your parents love me but you hate me
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
