party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
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