There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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