"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Randomize
